Cross Country Finale'

I am back in Maryland and it is colder than it has been in three years and it is snowing. Believe it or not, I missed home. I drove into Annapolis around 7:30pm Monday night and now it is Tuesday Night and it is snowing. Believe it or not, this is exactly why I moved home. There is no snow in Petaluma; there are no cold temperatures--unless you count the week I left, when it was near 30 degrees at night, for three weeks! Northern California hadn't seen those temperatures since Gene Autry led that herd thru in '45. (Boy, it was colder than a Republican warming to same-sex marriage; let me tell you!)

My last drive from Huntsville, Alabama to Annapolis was uneventful and actually quite beautiful. The Tennessee River Valley and the Shenandoah Valley are probably one of the most stunning drives I have ever taken--I imagine it is indescribable at the right time of year. That jaunt must be gorgeous during the fall. The drive during winter is pretty boring, I must admit--as was my foray from El Paso, Texas to Markum, Louisiana. (Did I mention that Texas sucks?!)

Anyway, I made it home around 7:30 Monday night and spent Tuesday getting my anchors set. The dogs hated the drive, but seemed happy to not have to get back in the truck again Tuesday. Plus, it started snowing late Tuesday night and the bitches were happy to see and play in snow once again. I was happy to see it, honestly. As crazy as the last year has been for me, a little snow and cold is not so bad. But the Caps lost. So my karma has nothing to do with them. Pity. I thought I would have made a difference.

Hey Boner... You still buying beers at Italia? Just a thought. It's good to be home. But, Damn! It's fucking cold!

Day Four: Whooooaaa Neeelllyyy!

I made it from Vicksburg, MS to Huntsville, Alabama in just under 6 hours Saturday. There is not much to report, really. The south lost the war because it sucks, from what I have seen, and I was very happy to roll into Huntsville around 4pm without any musket-wounds what so ever. This will be the boring blog, in case you hadn't realized that yet. I felt it was my duty to let you know before you read on. You have been warned.

What I do take exception to is the whole "Yankee" label. I can not tell you the number of people from Texas to Alabama who have had the nerve to call me a Yankee. You see, I'm from Southern Maryland, that gray area where the North/South line was originally drawn back in the 17oo's! I understand that some people may be upset that the Confederacy lost the war, but... they are all dead, right? Again, no offense to those noble warriors that fought for what they believed in and their way of life... but they lost, right?!?! Not to dredge up bad memories, but the Civil War ended in 1865. Don't you think it is about time our country got with the program and took that nasty step forward into the 21st Century? I do. And,apparently I am from the South, so I know of what I speak.

But I still think NASCAR sucks... unless Joe Gibbs' team wins, then it is divine retribution.

Days Two and Three: Stuck in the Heartland

I wrote my Day 2 blog last night from Van Horn, TX, but my internet pc card was fluttering in and out of reception and I couldn't save my post, much less surf any porn sites. Texas sucks. So, I got up early this morning (6am) and hit the road. I was 500 miles from Dallas when I left Van Horn, and I hoped to make good time, moving along at an easy and crisp 80 mph clip and get thru Dallas by 1pm, Central Standard Time--including stops.

Of course, that did not happen. It snowed in Northern Texas this morning, barely sticking to the ground and not clinging to the road, not in the least, not at all, no snow-on-road what so ever. Amazingly, schools were delayed, businesses closed and everyone drove like they were 90 year old people in bumper to bumper traffic. I felt like I was back home on the Beltway, except the scenery was ugly, flat and devoid of anything except oil derricks. With the number of derricks pumping away all morning from West Texas to Louisiana that I drove past, I kept wondering why we are paying so much for gas in this country if we have all these oil wells. Endless prairie of pre-historic looking bird-like creatures nodding over and over might give someone the impression that we have a lot of oil in the good ole USA. JR Ewing made money in oil. I know George W. Bush didn't, but still! Perhaps that doesn't make sense, but neither does Texas. Texas sucks.

I passed thru a dozen small towns on my way to Big "D"; a dozen Texas small towns that posted signs for road construction on I 20, yet there was no construction that I ever saw. A few cones and orange markers warning about "Double Fines In Work Zones", or "Road Work next 30 miles", however I never actually saw any evidence of road work. I don't mean that I didn't see any workers (it was snowing, for goodness sake), but I mean I did not see any ripped up pavement, or half built guard rails, no "lane closed" signs. It was all bullshit. No work, no deconstruction, no re-construction. Just a lame excuse to get everyone to slow down to 50 in a 70 mph zone. Texas sucks. (Did I mention that?)

Anyway, I passed by Odessa without even looking for Claire the cheerleader. Screw her, I was on a time schedule. She can take care of herself. Save the World?! I was trying to save my sanity! I have been listening to a book on tape, but I finished 4 hours West of Dallas, so I scanned the radio for anything interesting, which I did not find. Unless you like Rush Limbaugh, G. Gordon Liddy or christian radio--which I do not like anyt of the afore mentioned crap--you are pretty much shit out of luck driving across Texas. I found myself praying for a Dallas radio station, just to catch some sportstalk or good music somewhere, anywhere!... of any sort, of any kind! I finally found a sportstalk station and was thoroughly disappointed. The discussion was about who was more deservingof the Hall of Fame: Art Monk or Michael Irvin. Knowing I was in Dllas, I kept my head and I knew what they would say. I knew I was in enemy territory, but the contempt they had for Monk, the clean and good samiritan that he was, as opposed to... well, Michael Irvin, I mean... come on! Again, I kept it to myself. I was, in fact, in Cowboy land. I tried to keep my bias in check and not let my emotions get the best of me, but when the guys on the radio said Michael Irvin was better than Cris Carter, I lost it. vAre you kidding me? Dallas sportstalk hosts are... Idiots!

Oh, by the way, I found out where courteous drivers turn into bad drivers... It's in Dallas. Driving across West Texas, everyone drove with skill, used the left lane to pass, the right lane to let others pass them and worked together to ensure safety, fluidity and equality. When I got to Dallas, the freeway became a free-for-all! I am no saint as a driver, but I was afraid for my life! I held my bladder for almost three hours just to get to Louisiana and out of the Flake State of Texas. Did I mention that Texas sucks?

So, I am in Vicksburg, Mississippi. The land of... um, who the hell is famous from Mississippi? Oh... Flo the waitress on "Alice", I suppose. Is that good? Not much to see here. Waffle Houses and Popeye's Chicken as far as the eye can see. It took me three motels to find one that would let me bring the dogs. I would have snuck the bitches into the Best Western or the Holiday Inn, but apparently Vicksburg is a happenin' place on a Friday Night. I couldn't get a first floor room in those places. Which wasn't a big deal. I would have made Daisy and Harley sleep in the truck, but I have stuff in the bed of the truck that i didn't want to leave out in the open. Plus, I did not feel like lugging all that shit up to my room on the second floor. So I am staying at the "America's Best Inn". I got a ground floor room and it is within spitting distance (if I chewed Redman!) of a Gas and Sip. And the motel is pretty nice, except for the broken glass in the parking lot and the pubic hair on the toilet seat. But after my 13 hour drive across the not-so-great state of Texas, this place is Nirvana. Did I mention that Texas sucks?

Day One: Petaluma to Blythe

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin'! I'm not in a big rig or a black Trans Am, but my truck is black and I got a couple of dogs in the car, so just call me Bandit. Okay, maybe Snowman.

Well the first day was fairly boring. I left Petaluma around 20 after 1pm and pulled into Blythe, CA at 11pm. I planned a 10 hour first day and shaved off almost 30 minutes. The dogs did fine and I almost drove another two hours to Phoenix, but I didn't. I figured I should play it safe and get some rest. I did nine and a half hours with no problem today, so 12 hours tomorrow should be a breeze. I drove around LA to avoid the traffic and, predictably, I got lost and almost ran out of gas. I drove thru 4 small towns on RT 138 near Lancaster and did not see ONE gas station. Huh? There were a lot of houses and plenty of people, but no stores or gas stations for almost 40 miles. Of course, my cell had no reception as I flirted with disaster. I was sweating there for about 20 miles. Thankfully I stumbled across a Mom and Pop gas station in Elizabeth Lake. It was dark when I turned off I5 to take 138 so I do not know if what I drove by was pretty or not.

So, here I am in Blythe. Its a great town; 18 motels, 10 fast food restaurants and an Indian Casino. I'm staying at the Best Value Inn because all the other motels in town are full. Huh? Huh? I didn't realize this place was so popular. I can't wait to see it during the day. Maybe I will see what all the hub-bub is all about. So far, I'm not impressed. The water that comes out of the sink is tinted brown with what I hope is rust and the pleasant fellow behind the counter at check-in seemed highly annoyed that I came in. Judging by how fat he was I probably interrupted his 11pm ho-ho binge. I usually don't make fun of anyone for being fat or ugly or "special", unless they treat me like shit. Then, as far as I'm concerned, they are fair game. They can make fun of my uni-brow or my stinky feet if they want. I don't care. A smile and have a "good night" would be nice after 10 hours in a pick-up with two dogs that kept floating air-biscuits. Geez...

Tomorrow I will shoot for Odessa, Texas. If you watch the NBC show Heroes, you would know that Claire the cheerleader lives there. I feel compelled to go there. It is my destiny. She is in danger. I need to save her. Save the cheerleader, Save the world. I hope the Best Western there isn't packed. I'd sure like to take a shower with clean, clear water instead of non-brown poop water.