Brad Saves the World

I read something on yahoo.com the other day so incredulous and un-nerving that I actually grabbed my rosary and said a few Hail Mary's. Then after a few Bloody Mary's, I was able to sit and write this down. Please excuse my slurred speech, but urgent news takes precedent over a drunken Irish-American.

Brad Pitt announced to the world the other day that unless all people, gay or straight, are allowed to marry whomever they want--same sex or the opposite sex--then he would never marry Angelina Jolie. What?!?! Brad, please... No! The whole world wouldn't be able to handle Brangelina living in sin! Wars have been waged over lesser things. Don't leave the world on the brink of Armageddon, I beg you!

Think about this; Brad left Jennifer Aniston to be with Jolie. Obviously, Aniston must be nuttier than a fruit-cake for Pitt to dump her! Maybe Brad wanted someone less selfish. Someone who adopts orphaned Asian children to give them a better life; someone who is a Goodwill Ambassador for the United Nations; someone who wore Billy Bob Thornton's blood around her neck. You know, someone normal.

The world stood up and took notice when Brad and Angelina hooked up during the shooting of their film Mr and Mrs. Smith. We scoured the tabloids to see when the wedding would take place, didn't we? We broke out our best clothes so we could flock to the church and give them our warmest wishes. Women wanted to cry over the loss of the bachelor-Pitt and see what exotic crap Jolie would wear. (Guys would go strictly to see if Angelina's tits are really that big.) Of course we did all that! You know why? Because our lives suck. Life doesn't give us low-lifes any happiness. Therefore, we must live thru so-so actors and their domestic exploits.

Brad and Angelina became an overnight Michael Jackson and Lisa-Marie...perfect for each other and perfect for us, the American People, because they were...fucked-up! Just Like ourselves! What better way to make ourselves feel better than to watch two weirdos cause such a fervor that normal people put down their copies of War and Remembrance, Anna Corrinana and Harry Potter and the Dubiously Capitalistic Author and pick up the last 97 issues of The National Enquirer?! Only Brad Pitt can tease such an audience. (Well, and maybe George Clooney)

But, to our dismay, nothing was ever in the tabloids about these two love birds. Rumor has it the couple had a baby, but since there wasn't a single word or picture in the National Enquirer, I'm not sure that that piece of gossip is actually true. Surely, such a fine, upstanding Hollywood couple would wait until wed-lock to consummate their relationship. (Don't they all?)

Seriously, I don't think Angelina ever wanted to marry Mr. Pitt. She is all about the unattainable...the chase. Brad finally realized that. (I guess D-cups blind a man for an undetermined amount of time.) He got out of a relationship with a woman (Aniston)--who is apparently crazier than a recovering alcoholic working in a Jagrmeister distillery--and now realizes he he has no shot at wedding the wholesome Angelina.

Pitt's defense of gay-marriage is well-meant, but severely flawed. I think he is using that as a way to save face and put a "The Government Ruined My Nuptials with Jolie because the Government won't let Gay People Marry Gay People" spin on it. Nice try. But, come on, there has to be a better way. I am for Gay marriage. I think people who love each other and are able to teach their kids right from wrong and raise them to be good people should be able to marry anyone they want. A stable home life, whether with a mom and dad or with a mom and mom or a dad and a dad, is worth much more than a life with parents who don't love each other and make each other pay for it by putting their kids in the middle of every ridiculous argument.

I am glad Pitt used a social topic that would grab attention, like gay marriage. Unfortunately, I think he is barking up the wrong hole. He needs to find those heads-of state whose heads are far down those oils wells, and try to get something more acceptable passed. I'm afraid the current administration and the religious right could care less about him and his hemoglobin-necklaced bride to be, and attacking them on gay marriage will just fall on deaf ears. Now, if he had said pull the troops out of an un-just war in Iraq and give the prisoners in Guantonomo Bay a right to due process...well, maybe some of us would have something different to say. Put those on trial who committed atrocities against their fellow man and let the courts decide thier fate. Then, gay marriage would seem so much less of a hot button issue in the grand scheme of the universe, now wouldn't it.